By Lynnett Mlambo
For everything there is a time and season (Ecclesiastes 3:1). This is a very hard pill to swallow especially if the season is of growth and endurance. “The suffering you are going through has an end, nothing lasts forever”. I am sure you have heard this a lot of times before but allow me to testify to what we experienced.
The season I will share with you is when we were praying for our beautiful blessings. It was a long and painful wait. I will not paint a picture of happiness and joy because that is not what it was about. We had to fight the worst kind of battle we could fight the battle with ourselves.
Most people believe that resistance or opposition to one’s progress comes from outside. Not at all. Most times it lives right within us. The battle that is in your mind is fiercer than any physical battle you can ever fight with an external enemy. This is what motivational speakers are always talking about, believing in the self to overcome challenges. We needed to grow spiritually and mentally to finally get our blessing, a child.
15 years ago, the lord blessed us with our first child. In God’s grand design, he saw it fit to take him back two months later. I was rocking him to sleep when he closed his eyes forever. For years after that, we tried for another child with no success. I remember a time when I created a culture in which I would go shopping for baby clothes when I had the worst dysmenorrhea. Amid that pain, I would go and claim the children I wanted. I was exercising my faith even though it was a painful experience. Anyone who has ever experienced dysmenorrhea will tell you they would rather curl up in a ball somewhere and shut out the world than GO SHOPPING! Yet there was a power I was harnessing, and I was sharpening my mind to still believe that I could bear a child even when my body was excreting the one thing I needed to have it. It was hard.
At the time I used to keep a diary where I tracked ovulation dates and a whole host of activities I needed to do to conceive. From which foods to eat, and maintaining the optimum weight to even what to watch or read. Funny enough though being intimate with my husband was not one of them and yet it was the most crucial. These activities drained me emotionally and mentally. Beyond that, I faced physical attacks with heavy dysmenorrhea and all the medication I stuffed myself with to be “healthier.”
All my peers seemed to have it easier than me and were casually having children as and when they wanted. Some even had abortions because having a child was not part of their program. I would fight tooth and nail to stop my heart from being bitter and unfocussed and to stop from asking GOD “Why would you give her a baby she didn’t want and not give me”. Looking back, I think I died a thousand deaths trying to deal with that. It was hard to forgive people who you couldn’t openly tell you were mad at for their womb choices. Accepting the lesson of forgiveness and understanding that you don’t control the blessings people get or how they use them was hard. It taught me to focus on peace. I began to pray for peace in my mind and heart. That is how, through Christ, I overcame the spiritual battle.
My inner battle was to constantly hype myself up to get pregnant. I had a voice constantly telling me, “It wouldn’t happen.”, “You are the worst mother in the world, you rock babies to death.” ‘God will never give you another one”, “You can’t do it. You are broke, what will you feed them with?” These were the thoughts that used to haunt me. I have just given you the nice version of my thoughts. Have you ever tried to run away from yourself? I would have thoughts of getting a new head as I struggled to deal with harnessing good thoughts. I would find myself saying to God “Please take this head off me!” However, he did not grant my request. He gave me something much better, peace.
This season lasted for years, it was a daily battle and every time I would lean heavily on the WORD of GOD to get through the day. The battles were fierce, some I lost and some I won. Through all of it, I held on to the knowledge that the Word was my only way out and that one day it would win the war. I would tell myself I was wonderfully and fearfully made whenever I had thoughts of being undeserving or unworthy. The biggest battle we face is the one with ourselves. You can’t run or hide from yourself or your thoughts. Unfortunately, as believers, we want to present a perfect version of ourselves to Christ when he came for the broken and imperfect version of us. By God’s grace, that peace I desperately needed came to pass. How? I began believing the words I read in the Bible. I surrounded myself with positive people who reassured me it would come to pass. I stopped focusing on getting pregnant and focused on improving myself and helping others. I even gave away most of my dysmenorrhea-shopping stash and it didn’t hurt. I began to relax and seek God instead. Then the voices stopped. They still make appearances here and there but now they are dealing with a transformed me.
Peace of mind is a treasure. What sweet joy! My season had changed for the better! I felt like I was renewed in every aspect. When God blesses you, HE makes all things new. At the beginning of the year 2015, God blessed us with a son who was to be the first of four. The joy we felt was overwhelming and we couldn’t contain it. He was finally here. It ended the season that purified us in thought and deed and prepared us to be parents to him.
In this season we make notes on homework, study times, what to watch on TV, diaper changes, and bedtime stories. Our season has changed dramatically. All by the GRACE of the living GOD Everything has a season.